My husband Lachlan and I live a pretty unconventional life. He’s 34 and I’m 43, and we’ve both been doing freelance remote work since we met while traveling in Nicaragua 10 years ago.
We both left our respective home countries, Australia and Austria, got hitched at the same Nicaraguan hostel we’d met four years earlier, and built a life together in the Western Algarve in Portugal.
Several beaches are right at our doorstep whenever we fancy a walk, a swim, or a surf, and there are hiking trails all around us. We built this life centered on freedom. A rigid schedule does not dictate our work, and we certainly don’t have to plan our trips around any school holidays.
Our kid-free life is great
Besides feeding our two cats, we don’t have to get out of bed on a Sunday morning, especially when the cool Atlantic breeze is blowing. Sometimes, there’s a heavy mist lingering, creating a cozy vibe, perfect for a day spent binge-watching Netflix on our unstained couch.
While we’re both happy with our decision not to have kids today, we weren’t always on the same page regarding this topic. I seesawed between ‘yes’ and ‘no’ for several years, not quite knowing if kids were something I wanted or something everyone else wanted for me. Though my husband didn’t want kids, he also never pushed me either way, which I’m grateful for.
The circle of friends we’ve been cultivating since moving to Portugal’s coast in 2018 has been growing each year. It mostly consists of other childless couples (or couples with grown-up children), surfers, business owners and freelancers, and expats from countries like Germany, Poland, France, Venezuela, and Spain.
I started questioning things after a couple we know had a baby
Recently, though, our perfectly crafted child-free lifestyle has been turned upside down. A couple we’re close with has had a baby. Though we haven’t spent time with them and their baby yet, my anxious mind instantly started painting a dire picture: Fun lunches, boozy dinners, grownup activities, and meetups would be replaced by a whole lot of baby talk, diaper changes, and high-pitched background noises.
While this thought makes me clench my jaw muscles, it has also unearthed a question — or rather, an avalanche of questions.
Are we making a mistake by not having children? Did we miss something when designing our child-free life? Will we regret our decision to live on our own terms without the chaos and beauty of raising a child? Is this really the life we want?
The life we created for ourselves is undoubtedly an incredibly privileged one, but the fundamental question our friends’ decision has stirred up is, “Are the two of us going to be enough for the rest of our lives?”
I’m not exactly sure whether it’s just FOMO rearing its head or if there is something else beneath this superficial feeling of missing out on the ‘baby experience’ — something more profound that will haunt us later in life and fill us with regret.
I’m picturing my husband and me — all shriveled up and gray — sitting at an empty dinner table, just the two of us. Maybe there’s a dog or two. Maybe some cats, but no offspring. No grown-up child of ours with their own family filling the empty seats around the table.
It’s the fear of ending up alone that’s being triggered in me by this recent baby event. Maybe the fear of growing old alone motivates many to have children. But is it a good enough reason? And does being childless automatically mean that we’re going to be lonely when we’re old?
I haven’t shared these newly triggered fears with my husband (yet). However, knowing him, I suspect the picture I painted of us — old and gray, yet still together with a bunch of beloved pets — is his greatest hope, not his greatest fear.
We can’t predict the future and know how we’re going to feel about our decisions down the line, but one thing has become clear to me: It’s important to life a life that feels authentic to you. If that life includes children, then go for it. If it doesn’t, don’t be afraid to choose a different path.
For now, we’re trying to navigate this situation as best we can, while staying true to ourselves. As for our friends, I’m secretly hoping they’ll find a reliable babysitter soon so we can still have some fun adult-only times.
