Did you make a commitment to a religious or spiritual group that you’re no longer a part of? Are you still officially a member of a religion you no longer follow? Were religious commitments made on your behalf when you were too young to know what was going on?
Apparently a lot of people fall into this category. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen something along these lines, ranging from “how do I cut ties with this group?” to “how do I unbaptize myself?”
And also, I’m seeing people in these groups saying things like “your oath still binds you” and “baptism is forever.” Or in many cases, simply ignoring a request to remove someone’s name from their membership rolls.
There is no one simple answer for all these different situations. In 2018 I wrote Integrity is Complicated: Breaking a Promise From Your Old Religion. That covers the ethical side of changing paths. In this post, I want to talk about the practical side. Can you be held in a religion or a tradition against your will? Mainly, what are the most effective ways to break the spiritual ties that no longer support you?
What are spiritual ties?
When I speak of spiritual ties, I’m talking about metaphors and metaphysics, psychology and magic. I’m talking about the power of Gods and spirits, and the power of contracts and of those who enforce them.
These spiritual ties (bonds, connections, pacts – choose the word that best fits your situation) are made by association. Hang around a group of people and you become connected to them – you develop relationships. Make commitments – formally or informally – and those ties get stronger.
Make oaths and they get stronger still.
These may end up being contracts that can be enforced in state courts or in church courts. I have no reason to believe otherworldly courts exist, but if a God chooses to hold you to your commitment, They have the power to do so. If you want to break a tie to a God, negotiation is pretty much your only option.
Other ties can be broken – if you have the power and will do it.
Maintaining ties: power and will
Our modern Western society believes that the absolute autonomy of the individual human is the greatest good. Other societies saw things very differently. Many still do, in this world and in the spirit world. What we think about the ethics of such arrangements is less important than the fact that they exist. Once you make a commitment – or once a commitment is made for you – you are bound by it.
Further, some spiritual connections have a life of their own, independent of the person or persons on either end.
I occasionally hear well-intentioned but naïve people say “no one can harm you without your consent.” Anyone who has ever been a child knows this is a lie.
What matters is this: how strong are the ties? Who or what is on the other end of those ties? Do they have the power and the will to maintain them?
Do you have the power and the will to break them?
Sometimes you really can just walk away
This is the first step in breaking any tie: walk away. Put physical distance between yourself and the people and groups you wish to leave. This is critically important if you’re trying to get away from Christian fundamentalism. Stop attending fundamentalist churches. Stop listening to TV and radio preachers and stay off their websites. Stop debating the Bible. When you argue from the Bible – even to make a religiously liberal point – you reinforce the idea that the Bible is a legitimate source of authority. It is not.
If you have family connections to the church – or to other spiritual organizations –
