Nigeria Abroad
State failure is swelling the ranks of Nigeria’s diaspora nation and, as it worsens, more Nigerians will leave the country. Over the past weeks, arguments have raged on social media regarding why citizens should or not migrate. From the looks of it, at least 12 categories of Nigerians are getting the hell out any chance they get.
The unemployed without tertiary education
Suffer dey, and hustling in the sweltering sun isn’t looking like the hard work that will soon hammer. These are mostly young men who hate due process because that ain’t gonna take them abroad. By road, they are trooping to Libya and other African countries. The goal is Europe, but while they await the boat that will take them there, they take up artisanal jobs.
Yahoo guys
Because the Nigerian internet fraud industry has become too competitive, Nigerian G-boys are finding their way to Benin, Togo, and most certainly, Ghana. The more ambitious ones may move further east, towards countries like Thailand and Malay, where they share a single room with colleagues until they finally hammer. Asia is also where they go to learn updates. It is from these single rooms that those motivational quotes about not sleeping while others are hustling (ji masun!) sprout from.
Low-earning professionals
Medicine, engineering, law, and accounting are no longer professions that inspire the sort of reverence they used to, in Nigeria. Not surprising because, aside from the widespread institutional decay, it’s no longer strange to find a professional in these fields queuing up with others on giveaway posts on social media. These professionals are now more than ever fleeing to the Middle East; then to Europe and America, where they post pictures of themselves in the snow. Admittedly sha, the lab coat looks a lot more beautiful when taken in an American hospital.
Lecturers who are sick of Nigeria
When Nigerian lecturers are not threatening to frustrate their students with D’s and E’s, they are relocating to other countries and posting hot takes on matters of politics and culture. Some of them start from low-tier diasporan countries like Uganda and Rwanda, while others just take the long leap to the Caribbean, the US, and Europe. The ones in the West wear fancy jackets and make long posts attacking the government on Facebook.
Traders who haven’t hammered yet
These ones basically move Alaba Market overseas. They move to China, India, Dubai, Mozambique, Ghana, and even Bangladesh, where they are always arrested for alleged local scam. Because they share rooms and can be up to 15 in a room, once one person is accused of anything, the police basically round everyone up and show them on TV, leaving Nigerians on the Facebook page of Sahara Reporters to argue over which ethnic group is giving Nigeria a bad name.
Juju men
While most Nigerians in the juju industry are still stuck in the local league wallowing in petty indulgences such as touch-and-follow, report says that the more ambitious ones are now moving abroad. They move to Senegal and return rich as hell in 6 months. No one knows what they do, and they are not saying anything. Local gossip has it that the newfound wealth typically comes at the expense of their parents’ lives.
Retired Nigerian entertainers
Typically, actors and musicians whose relevance in the industry has waned over time. They simply just disappear and nothing is heard of them for years until Twitter randomly remembers them. The tweet goes viral and someone with a little too much information announces to the thread that the said actor/artist had jappa’d 10 years ago, and was spotted somewhere in an obscure American state last year. Pictures of the said entertainer wearing a dull-coloured sweatshirt are quickly circulated, with the artist looking a little overweight.
Thieving politicians
For a lot of Nigerian politicians, the ultimate Nigerian dream is to amass as much stolen wealth as they can, then buy properties in Dubai where they retire to after they are ousted from the government. They loot and loot, then run. Others move when they lose power (like Dimeji Bankole), and no one knows about them again even when they return.
Boko Haram victims
Not actual victims. A fellow who has lived in southern Nigeria all his life suddenly decides to file for asylum in Canada and blames Boko Haram insurgency. Canada, of course, is only happy enough to oblige the poor citizen of an African country “ravaged by terrorism.”
Nigerian LGBT community
No one is more willingly homosexual than a Nigerian trying to hustle a visa off the LGBT asylum program. While real gay people have benefitted from such programs, a lot of other heterosexual Nigerians have identified as “non-binary-bi-curious-semi-gendered-homosexuals” for that blue-card. Some have been reported to have staged attacks on themselves to bolster up asylum claims.
Activists
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