Punch
By Tunde Odesola
Five bangs and a drum roll heralded the national anthem. Men in starched babariga and kaftans stood up with hands on the rib cages housing their pulseless hearts.None sang along because the anthem meant nothing to them. The anthem was just an irritating noise. Only three and a half of them could even sing it, anyway. After the anthem ended, they all sat down like gravediggers, unfazed by the air of sadness and death in the land. There were a few milkless women among them.
General Khaki, the Head of the Federal Executive Cancel, jets out to London again. His deputy, O/C Legal aka Ojulari, is holding down the fort. The meeting, which was held inside the executive chamber, was on Zoom, a video conference platform, because General Khaki was on medical tourism; he couldn’t yet trust his health to any Nigerian hospital after seven years of yearly budgets to revamp the health sector.
When the image of General Khaki came up on their devices, all the ministers stood up and clapped. In acknowledgement, Khaki smiles and says, “Yo wa,” as he fiddles with his hand-held device. O/C Legal tells him, “Your Excellency, your device is upside down, sir. Turn it up, sir. We’re all ready for the meeting, Your Excellency.”
Khaki smiles again, “These children’s toys you people call computers are too tricky. When you’re trying to master one, they come up with another version. Me, I’m used to Alpha, Bravo, Charlie…Tango.”
OC/Legal: Alpha, Bravo, Charlie…are the best computers, sir.
Khaki: Me, I know; you don’t need to tell me. And nobody knows how to use Alpha-Bravo-Charlie more than me in military school, Zaria.
All the ministers, security chiefs, and chief of staff clapped.
Khaki: What are we discussing today?
OC/Legal: Sir, we don’t have anything on our plate today.
Khaki: Ha! Why? Why is our plate empty? Are you watching your weight; Kana duba weight dinka ne? Don’t starve yourself and get ulcer o. As for me, although doctors said I should watch what I eat, I don’t joke with tuwo shinkafa and cow milk.
All the cabinet members laughed.
OC/Legal: (Smiles) Yes, sir. Tuwo is the food eaten in heaven, I’m sure.
(More laughter)
OC/Legal: I humbly wish…
