•Clerics, others seek end to violence against women
FATTEH HAMID captures the angst of women subjected to domestic violence and ways to curb the repulsive act
A domestic violence survivor who gave her name only as Moji was calm as our correspondent took her on a journey into the past which she vividly recalled but unwilling to hold onto. The lady said consistent bullying and abuse in front of her kids was the straw that broke the camel’s back regarding her union.
She noted that she had to quit the marriage when she realised that she had to run for her dear life.
Moji said, “My two kids were there as the beatings persisted and there was a time my ex-husband threatened to break a bottle on my head. He told my eldest child of eight years then to pour a prepared pot of soup on my clothes carefully arranged in a box.
“We got married at a young age. It was all fun and filled with happiness when we started out. He was the most caring husband one could ever wish for. He changed overnight for inexplicable reasons and I am sure that I want the best for him. After many interventions by both families and nothing fruitful seemed to come out of it, I left the house with my luggage and headed to Lagos from Osun state without informing him. I left my two boys in his care. After I left, he appeared to calm down. He returned to beg me but I am afraid for my life. I didn’t return.’’
Asked how she had been coping after she left her matrimonial home, the mother of two declared that life had been beautiful with God’s help.
She added, “I wouldn’t have known what would happen to me if I had stayed. I don’t want to know so why wait at all? I have my life to live. I faced the ministry in a new light I found and remarried in 2013, 10 years after the separation. Many friends were concerned about my decision not to enter into another union after leaving my former marriage. I knew that I needed to learn because apparently, I had my own faults too in the saga with my ex-husband. I handled some issues immaturely too but they didn’t deserve excess beatings. Within the space of those 10 years, I learnt all I needed while waiting on God for direction.’’
The recent passing on of a popular gospel singer, Mrs Osinachi Nwachukwu, provoked anger on social media and across the country when her death was linked to domestic violence.
Several reports by those close to the 42-year-old Ekwueme crooner abundantly alleged that she was subjected to abuse by her husband, Peter Nwachukwu, thus nullifying earlier claims that she died of throat cancer.
Some of the reports suggested that the singer died as a result of a cluster of blood in the chest from the kicking she got from her husband. Peter, who denied the allegation and claimed that his wife had been ill before she passed on, is currently cooling his heels in police custody. The police however said they were conducting an autopsy on the remains of the singer.
The development caused many domestic violence survivors to condemn the disgusting act and many in toxic relationships to speak out.
Troubling DV cases
Narrating her experience to Saturday PUNCH, a United States of America-based DV survivor, Dr Linda Agu, who now runs counselling for victims, said she didn’t realise she was being violated until a night she was locked outside after she returned home from church and had to take shelter in a friend’s house.
She said, “I went to church one Tuesday and when I came back, he had locked me out. I got home at about 9pm. I rang the bell, and called the home phone several times but no response. I could see him from the window, he knew I was outside as I was banging on the door. I also left multiple voice messages on the answering machine begging him to allow me inside but he refused. I called a friend, who came to pick me up at about 1am.
“My friend told me I was being abused and I needed to report it to the authorities. I was afraid and didn’t take any action. After enduring many years of abuse, I had enough and couldn’t take it anymore. I reported it to the police. By this time, my clothes, passport and other personal belongings were seized. I reported it to the police and he was given a restraining order. He had to leave the house I feared for my life every night, that he could come to the house and kill me. So, I ran out of the house to stay with a family. I lived with this family and their children for about two years before I was able to get my place.”
Agu, who said she migrated from Nigeria to the US to join her ex-husband after a couple of years, added that six months after she joined him, life was becoming boring and unbearable.
She stated the more she stayed at home without work, the more the abuse and she was getting more frustrated.
Linda also noted that leaving an abusive relationship was a difficult thing to do for victims, saying it would take much time to heal from abuse.
She further said that the healing time varied depending on how deep-rooted it was for different persons.
Agu added, “When I left the abuse, I was able to get help through a support group. Here in the US, we have many support groups so it was easy to get help. It took a lot of courage from me. First and foremost, I came to the realisation that I had enough and it would be wise for me to get out now while I can, I took in all the help I was offered. Looking back in hindsight, this is the best decision I have ever made in my life.”
She noted that she now ran sessions for victims, adding that it was great to have her self confidence back after many years of living with DV.
Agu explained, “It feels great to be able to live my authentic self. My self-confidence has been restored, my joy has returned and my self-worth has been regained. I have moved from surviving to thriving DV. I am making a positive impact in the lives of women by being an advocate of DV. Despite my incredible story of resilience and perseverance, I do take time to heal, nurture myself and surround myself with support groups that foster thriving after DV.
“At first, it’s difficult for the victim to open up and trust you. But when you start speaking with the victim with empathy they begin to relax over time and open up. For the majority of the victims, their greatest concern is how to start life again or where to go from here? I set up a time to speak with them. The frequency varies based on their availability. I make them aware that their safety is my greatest concern. I provide support and assist the victim in working on a safety plan.”
A few days back, a neighbour videoed a pregnant woman being battered by her husband in their home in Ogbere Housing Estate, Ibadan, Oyo State.
The state police spokesperson, Adewale Osifeso, stated that investigation had begun into the case. In a viral video, the woman was seen being pummelled by her husband and she wailed that he was fond of beating her over flimsy disagreements.
The woman with a black eye cried, saying “O tun n naa mi leyin to fo mi loju, so fe pa mi ni? (After giving me a black eye, you are still beating me. Do you want to kill me?).”
She was also heard saying that he could have removed her pregnancy with his punches and kicks. Unconfirmed reports indicated that the man beat his wife over Sahur, the pre-dawn meal usually taken by Muslims in preparation for fasting during Ramadan.
Similarly, a bride-to-be, Ada Aburu, called off her traditional marriage (Igba Ngwu) and white wedding due to alleged beating she constantly received from her fiancé.
On her Facebook page, Aburu said she called off her wedding slated for Saturday, April 16, 2022 (today) because of incessant abuse by her supposed husband-to-be.
She further stated in the post that she cannot lead the rest of her life in domestic violence because the man was filled with rage, claiming that he constantly beat her with sticks, a belt and a broom.
She added that many times he attempted to use his hammer on her not minding whatever situation she might be in. She disclosed that he had completed the first and second stage of her family’s request on bridal list and payment of bride price on December 28, 2020, stating that the abuse started after completion of the process.
She said, “Beating me was not part of the agreement in marriage.” She noted that she had been in the toxic relationship for over a year as her supposed husband hit and abused her at the slightest provocation. According to her, an instance of his abuse was on Monday, April 4, 2022, due to a misunderstanding, he beat her mercilessly and then proceeded to his mother’s kitchen to pick a cutlass.
She narrated that sensing that he wanted to pick up a weapon; she locked the door from behind, noting that he forcefully broke the door and wanted to cut her into pieces.
Aburu explained that it took the intervention of his mother, sisters and some neighbours to prevent an ugly incident.
She said, “Please to my family and friends, I am so sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you. But I will not end up with a man who always promises that if I don’t kill him, he will kill me. I am still suffering from an unstoppable headache from the head injury he gave me three weeks ago. The ‘bride price’ will be returned in due time. Please respect my choices. Thanks and God bless you all.”
Lost to domestic violence
Sadly, some women have lost their lives to domestic violence though the act is not limited to only women.
There were many cases and some of them reported. In 2021, the police in Ogun State said they arrested a 24-year-old man, Mojiyagbe Olamilekan, for allegedly stabbing his wife, Seun Mojiyagbe, to death with a pair of scissors.
The incident occurred on Wednesday at the Oke-Ola area of Ode Remo in the Remo-North Local Government Area of Ogun State.
Also in the same year, the force headquarters disclosed that operatives of the Intelligence Response Team arrested four suspects in connection with the abduction and killing of one Mrs Nneka Kalu, earlier reported missing.
